Constantine: alas, this comic book exorcist is demonically dull

What’s the name of the show? Constantine.

When does it premiere? Friday 24 October at 10pm ET, on NBC.

What is this show? Let’s allow the show to tell you, shall we? “My name is John Constantine. I’m the one who steps in the shadows, all trench coat and arrogance. I’m the one who will drive the demons away, kick them in the bollocks and spit on them while they’re down leaving with only a nod and a wisecrack. I walk my path alone because, let’s be honest, who would be crazy enough to walk it with me?”

What’s the show’s pedigree? It’s based on the wildly popular long-running comic book Hellblazer, which stars John Constantine (who was created by Alan Moore in Swamp Thing and also appeared in the popular Sandman series). Daniel Cerone (Dexter) and David S Goyer (Christopher Nolan’s Batman trilogy) wrote the TV version.

Wait, wasn’t this already a movie? Yes. In 2005, Warner Bros, which owns DC Comics (which prints Hellblazer) made a version starring Keanu Reeves and (shudder) Shia Labeouf. It did very well at the box office, but no one really liked it, especially comic book purists who didn’t like the liberties it took with the character.

What happens in the premiere? Exorcist and mystic John Constantine (Matt Ryan) is living in a mental health institution after he caused a young girl to lose her soul to a demon. When a scary lady starts painting on a wall with cockroaches, he knows that another demon is going after the daughter of an old colleague of his. He leaves the institution, tracks her down, shows her how to see souls and do some magic tricks, saves her life a few times using magic, and then vows to go around the country saving people from demons. Oh, and he talks to an angel (Lost’s Harold Perrineau).

Are the demons scary? Not really. Mostly they just make the lights go out a lot and possess people so they look like the zombies on The Walking Dead.

Is this show any good? Constantine is the most recent in a spate of comic book shows. Unlike Marvel’s Agents of Shield it does not have the vanity to put DC Comics in the title, but like Marvel, the comic book house has a lot of creative control in the series. The problem with Constantine and Agents of Shield is that what works on the page does not necessarily make for a good TV show. Constantine is an excellent comic-book character because when he does magic and faces demons it looks really cool, and the reader can access his snarky, political internal monologue to give the story more dimensions.

Neither of those things happen on the show. Constantine’s magic mostly consists of him holding his hands in the air like they’re cramping from carpal tunnel and chanting in Latin. That is essentially how I made it through prep school. Also, the one bit of his internal monologue we hear is the bit I quoted above, and it is hokey. Multiple times in the episode people talk about his “jokes”, but the character doesn’t actually make many of them. His attempts at humour come off as canned jokes, if not surly and kind of mean asides. There is nothing attractive or alluring about that, either in a human being or a television character.

The funny thing is, in the hands of TV veteran Greg Berlanti, DC’s The Flash and Arrow have their own shows that are charming and alluring. These shows focus not just on the deeds of the character but how those deeds affect them and the characters around them as well. Constantine is alone and, well, kind of a jerk. He gets very shouty about this girl, Astra, whose soul he lost, but we don’t know his connection to her or why he cares so much. We have no feeling for who Constantine is or what he cares about other than his distaste of hellspawn and his affection for grumbles.

It’s as if the creative team loves the character so much they are being way too precious with him. They’re trying to convey what is so great about him in the comics and that is a losing battle. For Constantine really to succeed he and his stories need to be reconstructed and told in a way that is conducive to television rather than graphic literature.

Which characters will you love? Liv Winters (Lucy Griffiths), the newbie with magical powers that Constantine saves from the demon. We spend the whole episode learning about her father, exploring his safe house full of magical artifacts, and watching her learn about her powers. She seems really cool and I can’t wait to see her get better at magic week after week. Oh, wait. In the final scene she just up and moves to California, so she’s not really a series regular, she’s just some girl. Why spend all that time making us care just to ship her out?

Which characters will you hate? I hate to say it, but Constantine.

What’s the best thing about it? Visually, the show is quite interesting, and the effects, other than Constantine’s supposed mastery of the dark arts, are pretty good for a TV show. There is one really scary scene where a dead girl is trying to come back to life in the back of an ambulance. That was actually authentically creepy. And the wall full of cockroaches was pretty cool too.

What’s the worst thing about it? It sounds so cheesy, but the show’s squandered potential. This will be a great companion piece for Grimm (and probably successful for a Friday night show) but there are so many other shows doing what Constantine wants to be doing, including Sleepy Hollow and the unkillable Supernatural. This has, by far, the best source material, but it seems somehow unsure of itself, like it’s relying on Constantine too heavily but also not heavily enough at the same time. Maybe it’s just that it reeks of drive and doesn’t have the substance to back it up.

Should you watch this show? No, but I have a feeling plenty of people will anyway.